"I do not have a way with words, and I would prefer solitude to company. Often, I have wondered if there is something in my blood which causes me to behave as though I have no softer emotions. It is a very real possibility, being raised as I was, that this part of my lifestyle was omitted. Perhaps, I was meant to learn from experience, but I have no grasp on what it is that I should look for or start with. Am I supposed to make the first move, or is that the role of my object? Should I approach this as I would any other relationship; proceed until causation of duress?
Can I even be sure that this, this thing I am feeling is even existent? For all that I am experienced in it, it is a figment of how I believe I should act and perhaps does not even account for what I really feel. I have often wondered if all friendships have the chance to take this course. Maybe it is not dependent upon a soul mate, but rather upon the effort you give forth. Perhaps it does not require such strong, maddening feelings. Could it be possible that I only feel this way around him because I so badly desire to be wanted and to want back? If this is the case, I should drop all of my intentions and remove this feeling from my mind. I would never want a falsified relationship, one that I only feel now, but once I have it, it is meaningless. I would never want to put anyone through that kind of emotional wringer. It would be cruel, and no matter what anyone may say to the contrary: I am not cruel.
It must be easy for him to see it in me. I am sullen and short with everyone else, but when he is around there is a spark--a small spark, but nonetheless there--that twists against my heart and brightens my eyes. I can feel it when it shoots up through my throat and emerges, speechless, into the world. And that is when I most believe that I cannot be lying to myself. That these softer emotions do exist. That I am not without a soft spot. And I grow irritated at my self for thinking such mawkish thoughts. But I cannot help myself all the same. "
This is from the perspective of my character, Arieus Verra, and it is completely unedited.
~Hammeh~
No comments:
Post a Comment