I have OCD and ADD. (though apparently, I heard something about ADD no longer being a term, and that now it must only be referred to as ADHD? I don't know if that's right, but I guess for me it doesn't matter much either way.) I've been diagnosed with ADD since second grade, when they almost kicked me out of grade school. (Yes, this was a possibility, because it was a private school.) Anyways, it basically means that I can't concentrate on any one subject/conversation/person/thing for very long, even if I really do enjoy talking about/to it/them. So far as OCD is concerned, I believe that I was diagnosed in sixth grade, when the doctors realized, 'Hey, I don't think Ritalin is actually good for people.' Okay, I guess maybe it helps someone somewhere. But, in truth, it really hurt me.
I switched around with a few medications when I was still in elementary school, and some of them (like Ritalin) made my appetite disappear, while others made me ravenously hungry. But the worst thing about some of the medications was the side affects. When I was in sixth grade, I started having facial and verbal tics. (This might make you think of people who have Tourettes, which is accurate! Hello, that would be me, and no I do not burst out swearing and saying inappropriate things.) For me, it's really hard to explain exactly what I do, but it mostly has to do with my eyes and with the sound of words/letters/etc. on my tongue, like, how it came out; and I had to make certain noises or letter sounds, and they had to be perfect (in my weird sense of the word) or I would have to do it until it was perfect.
At least, that's how it started out.
Things got worse later, as they tried to find the right medicine to put me on. See, one of the side affects of Ritalin is that it can bring out OCD tendencies, but they could just come out on their own. So, I don't know if it was the Ritalin or if I was just going to end up with them anyways. Regardless of the medicinal side affects.
Moving on, my biggest OCD thing today is the rituals I preform and how they are linked with physical pressure. I'm going to try to explain this as best as I can, okay? Try to bear with me. Basically, when I touch something, for example: a glass of water. And I want to put it back down on the table; it MUST be placed straight down, absolutely perfectly, without sliding it at all across the table. Also, the pressure of my fingertips on the glass must be even and must feel "perfect" to me. I almost can't explain the pressure one....oh, wait, let's take a second example, if I walk across the floor and there is a corner of carpet touching the wood, I must feel an exact pressure on the ball of my foot when I walk over it. If I do not, I will do it again and again until I do.
Secondly, I count. This is actually more common than I thought that it was. I count everything. As in, how many steps I take, how many bites of a certain food I eat, how many sips of water, how many times I look at something, how many times I try until I get that perfect pressure, how many times I flick the light-switch, EVERYTHING. Thing is, I count it by fours. As in one two three four one two three four, constantly.
But. When I'm in Massachusetts, things seem a little easier. A little less stressful. More manageable. More, okay. And that's why it's my favorite place in the world. That's why I feel so strong a connection. Because it's a connection of my soul being free to explore the world without worrying about pressure and stress and my brain following rituals.
If you have any questions about OCD, feel free to ask. Knowledge is a wonderful, wonderful thing!
~Hammeh
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